The Sorrows of my Heart

I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart for the joys of the multitude. And I would not have the tears that sadness make to flow from my every part turn into laughter. I would that my life remain a tear and a smile..... A tear to unite me with those of broken heart: a smile to be a sign of my joy in existence.

- Kahlil Gibran, Tear and a Smile

I'm nearing the end of my treatment!! (Fingers crossed) I have two more Herceptin appointments over the next month and then I am done.

This week I had a final, very thorough Heart investigation to make sure that the heart muscle has not been damaged by the treatment I have been having.

Mary sat with me at the Marsden whilst I was examined by Consultant Cardiologist George Amin from Queen's Hospital, Romford. George made us laugh because he said he was an "Essex Boy"!!!! I mean, Amin?!!!!! Actually I drove him mad with my chatter and jokes and he had to keep telling me to be still so he could get a complicated reading from his machine. I was able to watch the whole process. Fascinating to see my heart pumping away and the little valves going to and fro. Every so often he would click on a dark area and take a photo of it which made me slightly nervous and I would say silly things like "Is that a lump you see on my heart?" But he patiently explained that he was not looking for lumps but merely there to measure the function of the left ventricle to make sure all was well as Herceptin could cause problems.

I did feel a bit nervous because the ultrasound room was the very one I had lain in in all innocence, 18 months ago now, when the nice nurse took my hand and gave me "that look", and the rather fiece femail Cardiologist told me that my mammogram and ultrasound scans were "abnormal" and the first icy fingers of fear gripped that same heart, now pumping away so merrily on the screen, as I said "It's not cancer though is it?" and an hour later was advised that it indeed was cancer and that I would be having a masectomy in the next two weeks.

This time, thankfully, all was well. My poor old heart which doesn't look at all battered by the slings and arrows of life, on the sceen and shows none of it's scars, has been pronounced "normal" and functioning as it should.

Mary (who took these rather glam photos) and I celebrated with a Decaf Cappuccino at the Crown Pub opposite afterwards.

The banning of Robert's book The Battle for Bond which is about my late father's involvement in the film version of Ian Fleming's books has caused a few skipped beats this month. Bruce Sachs of Tommahawk, the publisher has opted to hand back the remaining 300 books that were in the warehouse rather than oppose the Ian Fleming Will Trust lawyers in a battle as to whether or not we had the right to publish a couple of letters from Fleming to my father that had been part of the 1963 law case and therefore in the public domain as far as we were concerned. It has caused no problems in USA where the books are now selling out fast.

This has resulted in some very welcome publicity and the rush to bring out the new edition of the book which will not include the letters as illustrations (though we are allowed to reveal the content) which were not necessary to the plot anyway - merely of interest, we thought, for the reader to see. the new edition which is now eagerly awaited by thousands of Bond fans will be a sligthly smaller and less expensive version of the original lovingly put together book which was a little expensive but will be treasured by the collectors.

Sean Stowell of BBC Yorkshire interviewed Robert, Bruce and myself for the clip below. It would have been an even longer clip if Barnsley had not just beaten Chelsea a couple of hours before the broadcast so that the rest of the news was filled with Barnsley football fans celebrating in various pubs and states of sobriety.





Highlights of a rather musical month have been Christopher's birthday celebrated as usual at the Blue Elephant Tai Restaurant, Fulham Broadway with a cake supplied by Aimi that original said 'Party' on it - redesigned by Mia and me!!



Maureen's Songs from the Shows concert at the Chelsea Arts Club














Dunya Lavrova represented the Royal College of Music where she is now studying for a PHD having gained honours in her final exams last year , and played some amazingly complicated pieces brilliantly and with charisma at the Wigmore Hall on Monday 24th March. She has grown both as an artist and in composure since I last saw her over a year ago.
















And last but not least Mia's Schools choirs Proms Praise for Schools" Concert at the Albert Hall, which I dutifully went along with the family to see - not expecting a wild evening.
See "Mia at Albert Hall" on You Tube.


However a grand surprise awaited us as we took our seats in the ground floor box which due to the generosity of the evenings sponsors cost a meagre £5 per head, having collected drinks for the interval .

The production was spectacular with the orchestra and 12 school choirs on stage lit beautifully with multi-coloured lights. A huge ball was suspended from the domed ceiling on which was projected scenes such as eagles in flight to accompany "Up Where We Belong" and film footage depicting Fire and Flood to highlight the Elements - which was the theme for the night. Sprays of fireworks dashed round the Grand Circle and the evening ended with a gigantic glitter ball which obliterated everything from view in a shower of golden tinsel.



As I said to Russell later on, it warmed the cockles of my heart no end!!!!

May is my favourite month

May is my favourite month, but it came early this year and April took it's place. It's now mid June and it’s a year since I started this journal. A year in my life of extraordinary happenings. I sit in the sunshine on my blue bench in my patio garden. The broken slat still holds and the scar on it, similar in many ways to the one that I proudly wear on my chest, Reminds me that “things can be fixed”!.

The treatment I am having now is giving me some unpleasant side effects but the outcome will be worth it. Herceptin causes fatique and the withdrawal of oestrogen plus the addition of the anti- oestrogen drug Arimidex which I have been taking for 2 months now has given me painful ligaments. I have gone for help to the Haven and have been given medicinal herbs and acupuncture to help these symptons. In additon I am to take Omega 3.6.&9 and 3 fish oils per day plus glucosamine to combat it. It will wear off in time and I just have to be patient for at least another six months. I still haven't had a day of depression thanks to the support I've had - anything else is just a detail and I feel emotionally strong and very grateful.

Above my head is a small plaque that reads “There’s nothing worth the wear of winning, but laughter and the love of friends” H.. Belloc, and as I sit under it and feel the warmth of the sun on my head and my new crop of hair, I ponder on how very true that is and has become though the quotation has always been with me. I found it on the service sheet of my youngest cousin Mikey who tragically died from a burst appendix at St George’s Hospital – now the Lanesborough Hotel where we held Aimi’s wedding. He was an extraordinary young person. Brilliant scholar and spiritual being. He embraced Sufiism in his teenage years and attracted 200 people from all walks of life to attend his funeral at St Pauls in 1960 aged only 21 years old..

This was one of his favourite quotes and came from the old soul he was and in it’s entirety it reads “From quiet homes and small beginnings, unto the world’s remotest ends, there’s nothing worth the wear of winning, save laughter and the love of friends”.

Laughter and the love of friends is what has carried me through this year and I am humbled by the amount of love and attention I have been given.

Highlights of this month include four baby blackbirds learning to fly in my patio for several days. I fed them black and blueberries and had purple poops all over the place and on the blue bench where they practiced leaping off in

to the flower pots. The mother now comes and calls me for attention and food at the open kitchen door. Photos of the month include Mia and co in my wigs on the blue bench; flower from Bishops Park. Connie's mum Rose will be 100 on 30th June. Unfortunately I am not able to attend the very special party she is having - Happy

birthday Rose and many more!, as I am off to America on Sunday, thanks to the kindness of Michael Vaughan - another old friend who has sent me a ticket and will pay all expenses. All that is expected of me is to rest and have a good time. I am going to Nantucket via New York. Playground of the rich and famous and an island of beauty to stay with a group of friends from the days when I lived in America.

Au revoir mes amis. Will try and send a blog postcard!