"You Fill up my Senses Like a Night on the Ocean" John Denver

10th May 2007

My senses are filling up as I relax here on the beach at Calla St Vincente in Mallorca. Gentle breezes and the sound of waves wash over me as I lie contentedly in the warm sun with a book.

I can see a yacht moored a little way out in the bay and memories of “nights on the ocean” flood back. Nights at the helm alone with the moon on the midnight to 4am watch on Dad’s boat crossing from Malta to Sicily. The sense of being at one with the boat and the mysterious dark sea and sky with only moonlight and the neon flecks of phosphorous dancing in the wash from the stern and the swish of the boat surging through the water – onwards, under sail.

Other memories of mornings moored at Gozo and buying fresh mackerel, sleepily at dawn, from the local fishing boats just coming in from sea, and frying it with butter on the little paraffin grill for breakfast with crusty and gooey Maltese bread after Russell had gutted the fish with a sharp knife in a bucket of water on deck.

Nights being rocked to sleep in my bunk by the waves. I miss my Dad. I miss those days. I miss the sense of having a home and parents to go to - just fleetingly.

I have my own home now and I am my own parents - or I can borrow others to stand in and I parent others.

The sun and the sea and the “now” is the same. There is just a different cast list that I will no doubt feel nostalgia for in 20 years time if I am still privileged to be experiencing it all.

I have come here to rest and eat healthily. There is no pressure or work or family and no computer. Very little telly (Eastenders and the News excepted) just clear, clean air, beautiful scenery and colours. Fresh delicious food and some good books and company. What more can a girl ask for?

I am reading a book about the Power Within and have been practising being in the 'Now'. That’s all we ever have - the presence now. We can attempt to control and manipulate our lives but they will unfold as they are meant to anyway. Better to sit back and enjoy the ride having done the best I can a day at a time. How to make God laugh? Tell him your plans!

Chris’s villa is spacious and comfortable and I have emerged from a great bone weary tiredness of the first two days. I had had my Herceptin treatment on the morning before the flight which left Gatwick at 6am. Winston gallantly offered to drive me to the airport. He being the king of the night owls arrived at 3am prompt in his silver Mitsubishi STO Sports Coupe and put my suitcase in the boot. We drove at breakneck speed on (thankfully) deserted roads and motorways under a saffron and rather eerie full moon. Narrowly avoiding hitting a fox that had decided to cross the four lane motorway; its eyes glittered like the cats eyes on the road as it darted in front of us looking in our direction.

My flight left on time but there was about a half hour walk to the gate and I was carrying a heavy carry on bag. Last minute bits and pieces and arrangements plus packing meant that I had not slept all night, but it was a joy to link up with Christopher and Lisa both waving madly in the arrivals hall at Palma after the two hour flight.

For two days I felt ill with exhaustion. My bones and joints ached and I felt cold and listless but slowly after resting and sleeping well I am being restored to about 75% me and am now enjoying myself and my new eyebrows!!!!

Here are some holiday pix of this magical Island full of beauty and wonderful surprises.

Herceptin - the wonder drug

3rd May 2007

I’m back at the Marsden for my 3rd session of Herceptin. Everyone seems pleased to see me. It seems they have been reading the blog and have suggested I put the Cancer Card web details on the bulletin board.

The waiting room was chocker block today and only the odd chair free in between other bodies. I chose one next to a person I intuitively felt I would feel comfortable with; sat down and politely said “Hello? How are you today?” She was wearing a headscarf but there was something very familiar about her face as she said “Not bad thanks”. “I know you” I said, “I know you too” she said looking at my North End Road Market hat with the glittery black rose pinned on with safety pin, “What’s your name?” I said “……..” she said. “….. It’s me, Sylvan” I said and we hugged each other laughing.

My West End hairdresser from days ago when I could afford the top Salons was sitting next to me and neither of us had recognised each other due the big change of matter on the head from our previous blonde locks.

It made the day for me and we compared notes for 20 minutes and tried to blot out the
conversation next to us in which one woman was telling another about what dying might be like or entail!

The usually good vein on my left wrist got canny today and refused entry to the needle for the drip, but another one in my hand accepted it smoothly with “only a little prick” and I am now waiting for the Saline drip to be attached so that I can settle down with a book and a cuppa for the next one and a half hours.

Herceptin - the wonder drug that women went to court to fight for not long ago, has been freely given to me by the National Health at a cost of £25,000 for a year's supply. It is administered at 3 weekly intervals by way of a drip from a plastic bag containing a clear liquid and it is believed that it will cut down any risk of the return of my cancer by 50%, and giving me a 94% chance of non return and being alive and well in 10 years time. Gratefully, I receive today's £1,400 worth of medication and settle down with my book.

I am reading “A Short History of Tractors in Ukranian” It’s nothing to do with tractors, in fact, but a very funny book about an 84 year old Ukranian widower long resident in in Britain who falls for a flamboyantly busty Russian gold digger in search of a passport and prosperity and he is in complete denial as to her motives to the great consternation of his children.

My lovely nurse, Lorna, has now inserted the drip and I am beginning to relax except for the fact that I should have had a wee before & I know I will probably have to go in about ten minutes and will have to take the drip stand with me - should be interesting!

The Friends of Royal Marsden trolley has arrived and I have selected an apple juice and a packet of cheese and onion crisps to keep me going till lunch time. Everyone around me seems cheerful and chatty, I have a good book, a comfortable arm chair with my feet up on a stool. Time to write and to read without interruption or any feelings of guilt that I should be doing something other than what I am doing. My cup runneth over.

The weather in Uk has been unusually glorious for about 3 weeks now beating Southern Europe hands down.

Last weekend Aimi and co and I drove down to see my late cousin Digby’s daughter Kinny and her sweet little family in Berkshire.

She has two adorable littlies - Isabella and Marina and we had a delicious cup of tea and cake on the patio together playing pass the baby between us.

Then I took Mia and Isabella to see the chickens. We went right inside the run and I was able to pick up an old but friendly brown hen for them which was a great hit. Not sure they’ll have any eggs for a few days but it was touching to see the children’s faces as they
touched the feathers.

Chris and Lisa came to stay on Tuesday night. It has been a while since we saw each other so we had a grand reunion with champagne (for them - any excuse!!!) and a diet coke for me as it was Lisa’s birthday followed by a slap up meal at the Blue Elephant to celebrate, kindly paid for by Christopher as he has again lost the dieting competition, with more champagne and a cranberry juice and soda for me.

Yesterday I went round the corner with Chris to The Hair Garden, local hairdressers and we both had a short back and sides with Yvonne and Maxine - best hairdressers in Fulham. My hair is about an inch long now and just beginning to look acceptable without a hat. Christopher, who always has the right thing to say says I look like Jean Seberg who had her hair cropped for the movie of “Joan of Arc” a million years ago, but I’m still not ready to put a hatless photo on the blog yet!

11.55 The tea trolley has just arrived with another cuppa and I have to decide whether drink or trundle to the loo first. Decisions decisions. I have decided to go now and have the tea after.

Quote:

“The first requisite for a peaceful mind is an empty bladder” Winston Churchill.

Made it! That’s better! Now for that cuppa.

Russell is never far from my thoughts. He is up to his ears with work in Kentucky but I have had the odd phone call which is always a joy and a delight, and I can feel his presence even though he is so far away.

I’m taking off for Majorca at 6.00am tomorrow morning to stay with Christopher and Lisa. Lisa’s family are visiting also. I’m looking forward to meeting them and to having a good rest hopefully in the glorious sort of weather we have just been experiencing in the Uk. We are hoping to go and see my dear old friend Leapy Lee in cabaret at one of the islands’ top spots one evening.

Leapy, who could be seen recently on BBC's new series of "Never Mind the Buzzcocks" has been a much beloved entertainer, award winning journalist and disc jockey with his own 3 hour show in Mallorca for the past 23 years.

His 60’s chart career was revived with the BBC TV series of Passport To The Sun which ran for four seasons. I’m sure he has lost count of how many times he has sung “Little Arrows” but it is always a thrill to hear it again and to rememberwhen he borrowed Charlie Boston’s guitar and sang it personally and just for Aimi and Mass at their wedding reception. If you are going to Majorca, a trip to see Leapy in cabaret is a must. Details to be found on his website - www.leapylee.co.uk.

Winston Mason is to collect and take me to Gatwick at the unearthly hour of 3am! Well he did volunteer and as he is usually up most of the night, I have graciously accepted and will enjoy the ride with him.

12.40 The lunch trolley has arrived and I’m tucking into an egg sandwich, glass of apple juice and a banana (also courtesy National Health) and chatting to the man next to me who is having hormone treatment for prostate cancer which has been successfully treated although it had been an aggressive one involving 90% of his prostate. He too looks well and jolly.

Having had a further pot of tea and two apple juices, not to mention the litre of expensive liquid chemicals that have been inserted into me, I urgently need another trip to the loo but will wait until treatment finishes in about 10 mins.

1.50pm Time to go home

My old hairdresser friend arrived in the oncology room as I was about to leave, her face aglow and bright blue eyes glistening with the joyful news that today’s result of a recent scan showed that her lung cancer has receded almost completely, and that the oncoming course of radiotherapy should, God willing, remove the rest. To look in someone’s eyes and see and share the relief that they are feeling at that precise moment is truly magical; a privilege, and went straight into my heart and tear glands.

On the way out I was delighted to find an 'owl' on the coat of arms on the 1st floor wall and took it as a good omen. I then spied two ladies head to toe in black sitting side by side awaiting their treatment.

I smiled warmly into the small slits in their face panels and the brown eyes responded to me and they both nodded an acknowledgement. I presumed they were smiling back. That’s my bit for this sad world and world peace today.

That’s all I am able to do. I wonder what would happen if everybody did it?

Providing my ex hasn’t taken a contract out on me due to our recent spat, I am looking forward to arriving at Palma airport courtesy Easy Jet safely at 9.20 tomorrow morning, there to await Chris and Lisa’s arrival 20 minutes later from Coventry. The rented car will whisk us to the villa and peace - wonderful!!!

I’m taking a break from the laptop too, so will report back on the hol on my return circa 12th May.

Au revoir mes cher amis xxx

"Aimi Rainbow Loves The Flowers"

"Aimi Rainbow Loves the Flowers
Sits and talks to them for hours
People can’t believe it’s true
Flowers talk to Aimi too!”

20^th April 2007

The cherry trees in the park are heart achingly and beautifully laden with their luscious blossoms. Soft gentle light with golden tones kisses London tonight and purple lanterns of Wisteria hang from once dingy walls and gladden the heart. I’ve got a feeling that this burst of colour is meant to be here in May (my favourite month) and may be a month early but anyway I’m not complaining.

Went for lunch with Bernice in Twickenham where I took the pics of the Wisteria that covers her house and we all enjoyed watching a family of Ducks on the river across the road from Ferry House.

We are having an early heat wave. It is not expected to last past the weekend but it is blissful to feel the sun on ones shoulders and head after such a long gloomy winter.

My heart is very ‘gladdened’ today because Naughtiness is much better and we had such a nice chat courtesy of Alexander Bell after his last shift in Scotland. I really think he is on the mend again. He was very complimentary about the blog and the little film I created last week and it made me feel good because I really respect his judgement.

Took Pam to the A & E dept Charing Cross Hospital with a broken leg and was told off for parking at the door whilst I helped her in! .

I am gearing up steam to write to the Parking authorities. I do try not to moan but the latest ticket courtesy of Westminster Council has really got my goat. It was given at 10.55 at night whilst I was doubled parked as close as I could get to Sue’s 60^th birthday bash so that I could drive Jane Russell home who is 82 and very lame. I was helping her up the basement stairs to the car when someone placed it on my windscreen. What is it coming to when you can’t help an elderly lady to a ride home without a £50 penalty. Where will it end?

Had a wonderful chat to Amir of Evermedia this morning. We have never met but after 20 minutes chat, are now bonded through our spiritual beliefs. He is into psychology and spiritual matters in a big way and we had a wonderful conversation comparing notes on how we have come to the same conclusions about these matters. A new friend! I know nothing about him – what he looks like – how old he is – what his circumstances are, but I know from our conversations we are on the same path and that I can communicate with him. I only phoned up to say there was no hurry on the latest films which his company is converting from my old super 8 cine reels to Camcorder tape so that I can edit them, add music and sound effects and make some happy memories on CD for friends and family. And he made the fatal error of asking me how I was, and, as usual, even with complete strangers I told him, warts and all! 20 minutes later (!) we discussed the DVD ’The Secret’ and he is going to send another recommended one about Quantum Science called “What The Bleep Do I Know’ and a relaxation tape he has made himself as a present.

If you need anything at all, tapes, films, sound tracks, vinyl records copied to digital or other formats, I can’t recommend his company EVERMEDIA mail@evermedia.co.uk more highly having compared results which cost twice as much in London.

I have counted 568 blooms which have have fallen off the Christmas Cacti this year, now bare again having supported me cheerfully all through the winter of chemotherapy, icy snaps and all.

22^nd April

Naughtiness phone to say he had arrived in Kentucky safely. He is quite excited because he has managed to locate the tomb of his great-uncle, Russell Percival Herring and enclosed a photo and a loving card with a pressed flower plucked from the grave in it for me. I’m not quite sure what variety it is as its quite squashed but it was such a sweet thing to do, and I shall treasure it and have put it by my bedside to remind me of him while he is away.

Flavien, my young tenant, came home in a state of excitement yesterday. Prince Harry had attended the Fulham Vue Cinema where he works with some friends to see 'Blades of Glory' and Harry and William had been there the previous week together.

I don’t often have a bad day, as you know but I had a bad day today! I have had a row with my ex over the usual ‘Elephant in the Corner’ situation which has never been resolved and I fear never will be. It is such a shame because it could all be so simple. "My my my!!!"

I guess l must be better as life is returning to normal and I no longer feel so protected from the slings and arrows.

Talked to Caroline Upton about the Elephant in the corner situation that won’t go away from a Bhudist perspective and I have decided to ‘chant’ about it and perhaps if I can find a new view the situation may change or resolve or at least I can let go of the tapes in the head that cause such painful & toxic feelings.

I have decided to hand it over to Good Orderly Direction and have put a sign on my bathroom mirror as suggested in a 12 step program many years ago.

“Dear Sylvan

I don’t need your help today

Love GOD”

Farewells and Fortnum's

His Naughtiness phoned to say goodbye this morning. He is on his way back to Fort Knox and the Medical Unit at the U.S. Army School in Kentucky. He will try and keep in touch, but it will be difficult from there. I felt a great wave of sadness and a feeling of loss today which only lifted slightly when I met my good friends Cynthia Rogers and Maxine Thomas for a wicked tea at Fortnum & Mason’s in Picadilly – (less than 24 hours since re-joining Weight Watchers!!) and I tucked in to smoked salmon finger sandwiches; two scones with clotted cream and raspberry jam and a small chocolate mousse, to drown my sorrows whilst the pianist with a beautiful smile played "Feelings" on a grand piano in the centre of the room. We had a most interesting discussion about the rise and fall of powerful men. - Cynthia's father, the distinguished writer Robert Coughlan having ghosted "Time to Remember" the Matriarchal Rose Kennedy's memoirs - and travel, Maxine being off to to various countries in the Southern Antipodes soon.

Main pic: "Not in each other's shade" K Gibran/Sylvan

Naughtiness has been such a source of delight and support over the past few weeks and I will miss my young admirer and his loving late night phone calls. Bon voyage Russell Herring – safe journey. Don’t forget me please.

Tonight I had supper with darling Jane Russell, not the movie star, but nevertheless a very glamorous and exotic 82 year old who lives in Belgravia, and has had a most interesting life in her career with the Washington Post and a racy past! She claims over 100 male lovers - and one female - and has a wonderful sense of humour! We had Shepherds Pie and peas and mixed yoghurts to follow. She has kindly suggested that this blog should be a book and that we should try and get it published and raise some money for one of the Cancer Charities, and I went to discuss how to accomplish this with her help whilst I treated her with Native American Indian Hopi candles to clear her ears. She has some great ideas on how to proceed, and when it is finished I shall have a go!

Mia is on half term holiday and has had a shot at writing an essay on Rome and The Romans having watched a short video. It is a one line essay, and is goes like this:

ROME

I think it is

mostly about

billdings.

Mia (aged 8)

Her doting Mama (we don’t use the g....ma word!) of course thinks she is
brilliant, and if you had to write an essay about Rome in one sentence this shows a touch of genius and is amazingly and accurately succinct.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we`re here we should dance"

Well here I am – back at the Medical Day Unit at the Marsden after a four week break which, as said a couple of times already, followed the wonderful news that there is a good chance that I may still be here in 10 years time. A 94% chance, in fact, once treatment has been completed.

Having completed the four month chemotherapy course, the worst is over, but I now have to start on a daily pill called Arimodex for 5 years. This may or may not produce hot flushes and other menopausal symptoms but if so, these will gradually ease off and acupuncture and medicinal herbs at the Haven can ease the symptoms.

I am also starting a years course of Herceptin, the wonder drug which women went to the Law Courts to fight for, which is administered in a drip once every three weeks. In fact I have just had the first one. It was a doddle compared to chemo though I did get a reaction of flu’ like symptoms – feeling very cold and aching bones which are passing as I write. The first treatment they give you is a higher dose that the rest and I am not expected to react in future.

The nurses are keeping me sitting here for an hour after the one and a half hours drip in case I have an allergic reaction and I have been chatting to some interesting people sitting next to me. The lady having treatment and one friend are from India and her other friend is from Zimbabwe. We have compared notes and all agree that this illness is spiritual in nature and will be beneficial ultimately. To have been presented with the death threat at the beginning and faced it means that I feel I can now face life better. Since I am not so afraid of the ultimate ‘bus terminal’, I am now not so afraid of life and its’ variety of vicissitudes.

The ward is as cheerful as ever. There is a family group around a woman of about 40 who is having her first chemo across the way. They are all chatting and smiling and break into roars of (slightly over the top) laughter every so often. Everybody smiles when you catch their eye (it’s the “look” again!) and the nurses as per usual are angels of patience and good humour in human disguise. Cups of tea and fresh sandwiches have been provided over the lunch hour.

I know a lot of people moan about the National Health Service, but every experience I have had with it has been great.

When I had my first serious bout of clinical depression in 1989, my Holland Park NHS doctor popped in to see me every day with her little dog until I was better and gave me her home phone number to call in case I felt suicidal.

My current practice in Fulham is also first class and will always fit you in if it’s urgent, but otherwise an appointment can be booked within a couple of days.

My darling granddaughter Mia was put into my arms immediately after Aim had given birth to her at the Chelsea and Westminster by wonderful nurses in a clean atmosphere, and here at the Marsden I am receiving prompt and efficient treatment that I have yet to find anything to complain about. In addition this new wonder drug, Herceptin, is costing the NHS £25,000 to give it to me for a year – as a precaution and because it halves the risk of recurrence. Can’t complain much about that!

Anyone from anywhere in the world will receive NHS emergency treatment in UK without question, which is more than you can say for the USA with all it’s wealth, and if you have cancer, heart problems or need knee surgery, then you are probably better off with the National Health than private as they have the most up to date equipment, don’t chuck you out as quick as the private clinics and provide follow up treatments for as long as necessary.

The other factor I worried about when I was privately insured by Blue Cross in the States, is that when Doctors (or lawyers for that matter) are paid huge sums of money for their services, I can’t help wondering about how tempted they might be to go ahead with a borderline reason to operate or to spin out treatment or advice because they might be in need of extra school fees funding. (or am I being cynical – again!!!)

When I slipped a disc in my neck in America which caused me agonising pain for about 3 years, the private surgeon wanted to operate on me but I didn’t agree. Now, years later my back is in excellent shape which might not have been the case if it had been cut about.

This weeks's highlight was a dinner party with a difference for 14 at Ruth and Allan's Coachhouse in Kew. The 'Difference' being the two vicars, Fathers Stuart and Martin, who cooked a superb three course Cordon Blue meal for us! It was their way of raising money for charity and it was great fun to watch them preparing haute cuisine for us in Ruth's kitchen. Ruth Gledhill and Alan Franks both write for the Times. The party consisted of several highly intellectual friends. Writers and poets who were far more educated than I, and I felt fairly out of my depth conversation- wise. I decided that it was a good opportunity to learn something I didn't know and listened and learned (a bit! A lot of it went over my non-university bred head).

To keep my self-esteen afloat I reminded myself that they most probably didn't know how to edit a movie in iDVD or create a new music album complete with original cover, or swap heads on photos in Photoshop! I also contributed the theory that a potential new TV show was presenting itself.

"Two Clerical Cooks"; "Priests for Feasts" "Culinery Clergy"; "Ministry Meals" were suggested, and my favourite "Dog Collar Dinners" and we all had great fun exploring the potential of this notion.

My strength is gradually returning, as is the good weather, and I am looking forward to more hair and my upcoming holiday in Majorca at Chris’s villa where I intend to laze about, soak up the sun and hopefully be restored to my former vitality very soon.

SPRING FORWARD!

The clocks went forward (Spring forward – Fall back!) a week or so ago and suddenly Spring is here.

It is Easter Sunday. A sunny crisp weekend with blossom and leaf sprouting as I write. I have chosen to stay in London as I just love London on a Bank Holiday weekend. The streets deserted and the pace slow and easy like it used to be before we all started spinning plates 24/7.

I did absolutely nothing on Good Friday except ‘potter’ – one of my favourite occupations! I finished off the film I have been editing for Naughtiness and felt really pleased with it; tidied bits of the house and my papers and put the washing on in a very leisurely way.

Yesterday I worked for Jazz Flower Company of Wandsworth and took photographs of their beautiful flower arrangements at the Lanesborough Hotel - scene of such joy and the perfect day some 10 months ago when Aimi & Massimo got married there.

Dominic, the world’s greatest doorman, recognised me and gave me a great welcome and a free parking place. It was poignant to be in the same dining room again, and I walked around remembering people and happenings and touched the empty chairs where beloved friends sat in the now empty room

laid up elegantly for someone else’s wedding. What a kaleidoscope of happy memories that room held!

A five o’clock Barry, my ex collected me and we drove down to Holland Wood Camp site in Brockenhurst in the New Forest to have a barbeque supper with Aimi and co and friends, Nick, Caroline and Mia’s friend Nicole, who have been camping there since Thursday. I managed to get Barry’s satellite navigation going on screen but couldn’t bring up the voice. We got there in good time and only went wrong a couple of times when we were singing harmonies and I forgot to look at the thing, and, of course, no voice alerted us to a turning ahead. Sitting round the barbeque and guzzling chops, steak, large mushrooms and toasting marshmallows was great fun though quite chilly.

It is not my idea of heaven having no mod cons in very cold weather, but they all seemed to be enjoying the experience. It certainly is a beautiful part of the world. England as it was, and quite a surprise to see beautiful ponies and some cows roaming free in the streets and villages as well as in the forest.

I took Mia and Nicole a Toblerone Easter Egg, the remains of which had to be put away carefully when they went off to bed ( in what looked like three layers of pyjamas and woolly hats) as any food left out at night gets eaten by the fauna! It’s the very first time that there has not been even a tiny plea to stay up a bit longer, generally followed by a few sharp words from Aimi, as the lack of TV and the cold night air made bed in a warm sleeping bag the better alternative.

Tomorrow I will drive to Oxford to see my dearest Auntie Amy who is swiftly approaching the great age of 99 in June, and we will chat till we run out of news and then have a game of scrabble which she will probably beat me at. If it’s sunny and not too cold, I shall wheel her out into the garden and we will have a cup of tea and some cake there as well.

Easter Monday

Aimi and co arrived back early from their camping expedition! It seems that one of the air beds sprung a puncture and that they decided was that. Enough of nowhere to plug in your mobile phone and hairdryer, and back to the warmth of their cosy flat.

The little man who has been sharing my bed for the weekend was packed up in his travel box at 10 am this morning and, after a cuppa with Aimi, I kissed him goodbye and he departed and I put back all the nick nacks that he had knocked over during the weekend. I had forgotten how active Burmese cats are.!

Got up late and had a long lazy bath with Radox Solutions ‘sensual’ bath oil, then off to Holland Park where Spring is ‘busting out all over’, to photograph my young 22 year old French lodger, Flavien with Lucille his ‘amour’ who has come to stay for a few days over Easter. They are blissfully in love, and he had asked me very sweetly if I would take some photos of them both together and I relented. I was glad I had done so because they are so charming, natural and sweet together that the session was very enjoyable and, in addition, Flavien’s aunt Christina invited me to lunch at the Belvedere Restaurant prior to the session and I was treated to a slap up meal!

Back home at 5am for a nap on the sofa; a lovely long warm chat to Naughtiness on the phone from Scotland, and the arrival of my latest tenant, Tim from Bath - a qualified engineer who is changing direction and becoming a chef. He is working at the Ritz hotel and learning his new trade. Gave him a cuppa tea, had supper, wrote this and now off to bed feeling happy and that all is well and good things ahead are to be expected!

On the up swing now!

My little patio garden looks pretty and slightly "just-out-of-bed" dishevelled as it emerges from winter. The Christmas cacti has remained unscathed by the cold snaps and I have counted so far 373 dead heads that have dropped off and there are still as many to come. It has been flowering since Christmas – the blooms lasting way longer in the cold than they used to when I was able to stagger indoors with the pot. This morning there is wintry sunshine and a faint spring rustling of the evergreen leaves and a lone insect floating about. Mr Blackbird has just arrived and I have thrown him a small handful of Waitrose mixed seeds and he can’t believe his luck and is now pecking furiously before he is disturbed - eating for England - he is even faster than me!! Mrs Blackbird will get the news later and both will be back for more. I have run out of grapes which they really love but this will make a nice change for them.

My small house is full! All three rooms are let to people who have become friends. Ulla Lagoni just arrived from Denmark and we have had a cup of tea and a chat. She has been here several times before. She is a dead ringer for Doris Day at 60 and a positive and fun person. Then there is Flavien from the South of France. He is a sweet boy of 22 and here to study English while he decides what he wants to do. He goes to school in the mornings and has just got a job at the Local Fulham Vue Cinema complex which he is very excited about. Sometimes when we girls go out on Saturday we find him taking the tickets and make a big fuss of him. He arrived as a rather lost and timid young man but he has blossomed whilst he has been here and it is lovely to see him looking happy. Yesterday Oxana arrived from Moscow. She is a very pretty and dynamic Film maker. Her company makes background films for use in videos and movies. If you wanted a shot of fire, or a waterfall, for instance Oxana would provide it. She is a bubbly 26 year old and happy to be back and has made friends with Flavien already. So we now have a very cosmopolitan household with a mixture of French, Danish, Russian, English, Scottish (moi) with a Moroccan cleaner, a Bulgarian lady who irons a Polish odd job man and an Italian son in law!

Naughtiness seems to have turned the corner, thank God, though he has to wait for final results of his chest X-ray before he can relax. It’s wonderful to hear him sounding better and his old cheerful funny-story-telling self again.

I am beginning to look really well. My eyes have cleared and are bright again and my skin feels good. I am eating much more healthily and taking supplements and exercising with power plate. There will no stopping me when I get over the fatigue that follows chemo!

Had a hectic weekend. First I went to stay with my old friend Annie de la Grange in her new house in Marshfield, Gloucestershire. I was driven down by Kerry (kind uncle) who had also been invited in his smart maroon jaguar. We are both Godparents to Ann’s oldest son Max and have all been friends since we were 17. It was lovely to see Annie again and her lovely new home which is still in process. Wonderful food as usual, a great walk in rolling country fields with no habitation in sight; lunch and a swim at the very swish Lorcum club, and a Mother’s Day service on Sunday morning where Annie and I read the 1^st lesson and then giggled through a children’s hymn about a wiggly worm, each event interspersed by my taking a nap. Still very fatigued but it was a delicious rest in fresh country air and surroundings.

Drove back to London and went for Mother’s Day supper with Aimi and Co. Then a taxi over to Bernice in Twickenham for the night so that we could leave early on Monday morning for Digby’s funeral.

I had booked a table for 20 family members to gather at the Eastbury Hotel in Sherborne. David Whittingham came from Paris and John and David Willoughby from Devon and it was great to see them again, albeit under such sad circumstances. Here I am with my three remaining cousins on Dad's side:

We all walked to Sherborne Abbey and proceeded in last as “the family”. We were expecting a good turn out but it was amazing to see at least 600 mourners. They came from all over the world. There were 50 Ghurkhas and countless Cresta riders and many many old friends from the army or St Morritz.

I was especially pleased to see Sarah Wooldridge on my way down the aisle. I automatically looked for Ian next to her before the sudden remembrance that he too had passed away a few days ago. They had both been old chums. Good to see Sarah’s brother Tim again too.

Cherry had organised everything beautifully and the service was wonderful. An immaculate setting; rousing hymns; poignant readings from all three children; an address by George Bingham that had us in fits of laughter at Digby eccentricities and a talk by Lt General Sir Peter Duffel outlining Dig’s bravery in the jungle in Borneo and a few quips from him too which made us laugh again. The 'last post' ended the service, and the coffin was carried out to the tune of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”. Digby would have loved it all and his spirit was very much present.

A short, very cold, and blustery trip to the cemetery and then back to Cherry’s barn at Stockbridge Farm for drinks and nibbles. All 600 appeared to have come back and were now shoulder to shoulder in the barn. A good atmosphere. A good send off. Bernice and I drove back to London in a blizzard but arrived safely at about 11pm.

So strange that I am still here and dear Digby has gone. Just goes to show that you can make all the plans you want but the hand of fate will do what it will, when it will, and there is no changing it. I love every day I’m privileged to be alive now!

ps Special thanks to Deborah Peat for lending me her "funeral" hat. It was the perfect hair concealer and looked very smart.