Time to Reflect

“My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue. An everlasting vision of an ever changing view”. (Carol King again!)

It’s 13^th night and past time to take down the baubles from the tree and the other decorations and put them away in their boxes in the loft cupboard for another year.

London is eerily quiet tonight. The streets are empty; the shops were half open today. Phone calls and emails sparse. Overspent - financially and energy wise, there is time to reflect on past years and the one that lies ahead.

I’ve been thinking about LIFE and the fact that, having survived the sixties, I am still here, and the times that I have had a brush with the ‘Dark Angel’. There was the time I nearly lost a leg in Drayton Gardens in 1990 when parking on a quiet Sunday morning. I didn’t look first to see if anything was coming behind me and opened my car door putting a leg on the ground before consulting the mirrors. In a split second the car approaching too fast behind me swerved to avoid a fast car coming towards me and ploughed into my door, concertinaing it and carrying it out and away from me. It could so easily have smashed inwards – had it done so I might have become the next Mrs Paul McCartney! Then there were the times when Dad left me, an inexperienced 18 year old in sole charge of our Atlantic Ketch well out at sea in rough weather when he had had too much to drink and had passed out on his bunk.The times in my 20's when I drove my MGB GT sports car showing off at breakneck speed when well over the alcohol limit, to frighten or impress my passengers. And the time that Naughtiness snatched a flaming Sambucca from my hand as I was just about to do a fire eating act at 2am in the morning in a Mosta night club!

The most unusual brush of all was when I had my skirt torn off by a gorilla! Yes, a gorilla girls! His name was Ollie and he had only one eye having lost the other in a fight. He was owned by the late Gordon Mills, manager of Tom Jones and Englebert Humperdinck who had a private zoo round the swimming pool in his garden in Weybridge which contained Tigers, Orangatangs and Gorillas. We had been partying at the house when Gordon invited a few of us to go back to see the animals being fed. With drinks in hand we trooped into a shed at the back of the three cages and watched as Gordon went into the middle one which housed two friendly Orangatangs. He held the baby whilst its Mother clung affectionately to his legs. The cages on either side held Gorillas. Two females on the right hand side and Ollie the large male on the left. The two females had been specially imported as mates for Ollie but he had turned his nose up at both of them as, I gather, Gorillas, like humans, don’t like to have their partners chosen for them, they prefer to choose their own. In any case Ollie preferred blondes!!!

I was standing quite close to Ollie’s cage in order to view Gordon in the middle one. Presuming that he could only get a finger through the thick meshed wire, I judged my safe distance at about 6 inches from the cage. Suddenly there was a loud bang and a strong tug at knee level. I looked down and was horrified to see Ollie’s one-eyed huge head glaring up at me and his gigantic forearm protruding through an unseen feeding hole at knee level. His twice as big as a human fist, had firm hold of my long wild silk skirt and was pulling me towards him and about to get a better grip! I was told later that had he got hold of my leg he was strong enough to pull all the muscles out of it. My screams alerted the others and after an electric silence, Barry, my ex grabbed me under the armpits from behind and started to pull. My old friend Leapy Lee ‘leaped in’ to join us and started pulling from behind too. There was a sudden ripping noise and we all shot backwards through the open door and landed in a heap, me on top with legs in the air, my glass of champagne intact, and knickers on, thank God! My skirt had mercifully ripped, and Ollie was circling his cage waving his bit of stolen material aloft and banging the bars with his other arm.

The hold on Life from birth to exit is so tenuous and fragile and I have finally come to realise, such a privilege and such a great adventure. Since a year long deep depression in 1997 with its subsequent therapy, I have abandoned my belief in a judgemental and punishing Deity and come to believe that I am loved for, and in spite of, my transgressions. I am a spiritual being, having a human experience – part angel, part beast and the human experience can be very tough for a spiritual being, but if you hang in there, so worthwhile. My personal current view is that I am a droplet of Good Orderly Direction, the Great Creator, who is experiencing Its own creation through me in my own unique package and It knows that I am doing the best I can. Serenity is mean’t to be our natural state. Why some souls have a much harder time than others is a mystery. Perhaps Karma has something to do with it?

A lot of people get depressed at this time of year. I come from a line of creative escapees of emotional pain. (Drink problems and depression on both sides of the family). One uncle on each side exited this mortal coil prematurely and by their own hands and caused great suffering to their families left behind. With the help of a wonderful psychiatrist, Dr Massimo Riccio, I have come to understand that clinical depression, like addiction, has to be accepted as an illness & I had to surrender to help from others before I could get better. His mission to help me to manage my moods has so far been successful, and I have not had any of the ‘Black Dog’ for nearly 10 years. My main fear at the outset of this new illness was not of surgery or even death but of falling into depression and being unable to fight. Mercifully this has not happened and apart from a couple of weepy days, I have been positive and cheerful since the operation.

I am finally learning to “be still” and feel safe which has taken a very long time. To be part of the orchestra, instead of the principal artist, is coming! There is still the urge to fill the silence with chatter and time with activity, but I am slowing down and taking time to ‘smell the roses’. As Bob Dylan sings in his latest album ‘Modern Times’, “We all wear the same thorny crown” We are all headed for the same destiny, going up the elevator and one by one over the top into the mystery. What is the rush???

When suicide seems a good option.

For anyone considering this and many people do at this time of year, a few observations:

Unless there is an unselfish reason i.e. terminal illness, saving another’s honour or burdon, etc. the Great Creator won’t like it…. and:

1. It may not bring the longed for peace and oblivion – you may feel worse – forever!!!!!!

2. You may be sent back to start again!!!!!

3. It may not work and the rest of your life as a paraplegic or a comatose vegetable would certainly be a worse option

4. Depression ALWAYS lifts and you will eventually feel stronger than before when you come out of it. There IS light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel is curved!

5. There is help available

6. There is always another chapter

When I think of what wonders life has brought me in the past 10 years since 1997 – the birth of my darling granddaughter Mia being just one of them, I shudder to think of what I had once contemplated when all seemed so hopeless and barren.

I’m not particularly “Religious” but I love a good hymn. This is a verse of one of my favourites.

“Be Still My Soul, the Lord is on your side
Bear patiently the cross of grief and pain
Leave to your God to order and provide
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be Still My Soul, your best, your heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end”.

In the hope that I haven’t made anyone feel too gloomy, here are more wishes for a Happy and Healthy year ahead. Live every moment; put love where there is no love and you will find love, and don’t forget to thank The Universe for The Wonder of Your Being!